The Art of Showing Up
16 years later and I still remember the people who showed up to my mom’s funeral. I recall the parents who brought me snacks in the visitation line as my dad gave me the go-ahead to step outside for the equivalent of a 10-year-old smoke break - a Famous Amos Cookie binge on the steps of Hyde Park Methodist. I remember my friend Abby’s mom who brought me a rainbow card (which I still have) and a flip-flop necklace from Claire’s…jackpot. I recall how confused I was as to why, for the first time in my elementary school career, my computer teacher dropped her typical tyrant-like behavior & was being nice to me. I’ve reminisced on being embraced by two friends’ young mothers who have since passed away themselves. And I remember the kid in my class who didn’t cancel his birthday party despite it coinciding with the funeral. Now, am I harboring resentment toward an 11-year-old for not having the foresight to cancel the party? No. Am I slightly judging the parenting call on not swallowing the Scallywag Tag security deposit to allow others to attend my mother’s funeral? Maybe a little. My point is….that even as a ten-year-old, I started to understand the significance of showing up.
Now don’t get me wrong, there have been countless times when I haven’t always shown up myself. I have regretted not attending funerals, skipping birthdays and milestone moments of those I love. I’ve missed the mark time and time again. But here is the thing about showing up, we always get a second chance. Between personal problems, relationship struggles and today’s media cycle, we’re oftentimes inundated with a barrage of bad news we tend to internalize. This leaves us little time to pick our heads up, take the blinders off and realize we don’t have it half bad. In fact, walking through life with a touch more intentionality and awareness sobers us up to our own inadequacies, furthering the notion that we may not be as inadequate as we’ve been telling ourselves.
The thing is, most people in this world are well-intentioned & want to show up. It’s just that fear has an ever-present, contractual chokehold on all of us. Fear loves to dictate our decisions and slap tape over our mouths in the hopes we won’t show up for those who need it most - fear of acting awkward, fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of vulnerability at the expense of looking weak or stupid. We often don’t say what we need to say until it’s too late. And once in a while the age-old phrase, ‘I wish I would’ve known’ echoes through melancholy rooms landing upon empty chairs at Thanksgiving. What I am learning...is to err on the side of being overly persistent & fucking obnoxious in the pursuit of your people’s well-being rather than assuming that they’ll work through their struggles alone.
If someone in your life is going through a tough time, a break-up, has had a loss in their family, is sick, got laid off, is recovering from surgery, is facing a grim diagnosis, or is battling mental health struggles…don’t ask them to let you know if you can do anything for them. I promise you 9 times out of 10 they will not, in fact, let you know. You see the sentiment is beautiful and the words of encouragement are necessary, but the follow-through is ineffective. Instead of saying ‘let me know if I can bring you dinner this week’ try "I’m bringing you dinner on Wednesday. It’s freezable so feel free to eat it whenever. I’m gonna drop it on your porch, but if you want company I have no plans that night, so I’ll be around!" And if they don’t reply just drop the damn fettuccine alfredo on the front step with a note. Because at the end of the day, it’s not about the unlimited garlic breadsticks - it’s about the fact that you spent 45 minutes of your day planning and executing a strategy to get your friend fed while letting them know you’re there to stay. And if you’re apprehensive because it's an acquaintance, a co-worker, or that person that you kinda know but not really…even better.
You see, out of all the times I didn’t show up, I have never once regretted when I did. With every funeral, porch drop-off, birthday celebration, promotion party & break-up booze extravaganza I’ve attended, I’ve gotten that love back tenfold. Sometimes it finds us in the form we'd expect and other times it’s a sentiment from someone we barely know. Because in the end, it doesn’t matter what form love returns to us…just as long as it shows up.
To do today: lose the fear and show up.